Parental respect, understanding are key to keeping teens off the street
Filing a report is first step to bring child home

By Wendy Pramik
Columbus Parent Magazine, September 2006

About a year ago, a 17-year-old girl who I’ll call Shawna left her East Side home and never went back. Shawna bounces from one place to another, sometimes with people she considers as friends, sometimes with people who are all but strangers. She doesn’t go to school. She doesn’t have a job. She doesn’t eat regularly. Even though she lives in the same city in which she grew up, Shawna is a runaway.

Quatada Walker, a caseworker with Franklin County Children Services, says she has known Shawna for 10 months.
She says Shawna isn’t a bad person, only a young one who makes poor choices.

“I try to tell her one poor choice doesn’t have to ruin your life, but it can.”

Next month, Shawna will be an adult, and she believes that will solve her problems. It won’t, Walker says.

“These streets are not friendly to these kids,” Walker says. “Men will say they’re going to take care of them, but they don’t. We’re trying to get these kids to understand what they don’t understand.

“I’m trying to get them to a better place.”

Between 1.3 million and 2.8 million kids run away from home each year in the United States, according to the National Runaway Switchboard in Chicago. It’s an inexact number because there’s no entity, including the Columbus Division of Police, that keeps an accurate count of the number of runaways on the street at any given time.

“We have a couple centers for runaways where they can come and go anytime they please,” says Betty Schwab, a Columbus Police officer. “They are still considered missing when they walk out of the facility, and this would give a skewed number of actual missings.”

Not all parents file a missing-persons report if their child has run away. But it’s the first thing a parent or legal guardian should do, Schwab says.

The National Runaway Switchboard estimates that one in every seven kids will run away at least once before the age of 18. Statistics show that it doesn’t matter if they’re from rich or poor families. Kids run away from all types of home structures for many reasons, including:

• Family dynamics, such as divorce, a new stepparent or unhappiness with family rules
• Peer or social pressure
• Alcohol or drug use by the runaway or relative
• Mental-health issues
• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse or assault
• Emotional or verbal abuse
• Nonacceptance of their sexual orientation
• Neglect or a feeling of hopelessness

“Family problems do not discriminate,” says Kyra Crockett, community education coordinator at Huckleberry House in Columbus. “We see youth from every racial background, socioeconomic group and gender.”

The runaway switchboard says that teenaged girls call its hotline the most, and it’s a group that Dr. Kathleen Pajer knows well. The researcher at Columbus Children’s Research Institute helped initiate a study in 2004 of how girls cope with stress. It’s a population she says has been poorly studied in the past.

“Girls are more than sugar and spice and everything nice,” Pajer says. “They’re way more complicated than that.”

Pajer’s research provides a biological insight into why a teenage girl might run away. Pajer says that humans experience an enormous amount of brain development during their pre-teen and teen years. This is the stage known as puberty, when the levels of female hormones estrogen and progesterone and male hormone testosterone increase. The brain’s response, Pajer says, is a volatility of emotion. Boys tend to act more assertive, competitive and aggressive, depending on the environment. Girls suddenly feel more sensitive and vulnerable, becoming more prone to depression and anxiety.

“They’ve got one leg in childhood and one leg in adulthood,” Pajer says. “They’re looking at adult behaviors and privileges through the eyes of a child in terms of level of experience and consequence.

“Running away from a situation or a home is one way to deal with the problem.”

Responsibility is one of the toughest things for runaways to learn. Take Shawna, for example. I tried to catch up with her for more than a week through contacts with Walker, who said Shawna wanted to meet me. She wanted to tell me what it was like to run away from home.

“Do it soon or she might be gone,” Walker said. “And don’t give her any money.”

I reached Shawna through a phone number Walker had provided, and Shawna agreed to meet me. I suggested we get together at a McDonald’s on E. Broad Street.

“How much are you going to pay me?” she asked.

I told her I wouldn’t pay her, but I could buy her breakfast. She agreed to meet me the next morning at 9.

“Can’t you just give me the money instead?” she asked.

One of the problems that lead to children running away is a lack of communication between parents and teens, says Ryan McElhaney, an 18-year-old from Chicago who volunteers to answer calls at the National Runaway Switchboard.

“Children who run away aren’t bad kids,” McElhaney says. “They’re good kids running from bad situations. Not being able to talk to your kids about those bad situations is one of the biggest things that causes an issue.”

Prevention
A runaway typically spends less than three days on the street. But for some, the stretch can be much longer: 5 percent will remain AWOL for more than six months.

“It’s not a pretty picture,” says Maureen Blaha, executive director of the National Runaway Switchboard. At first, she says, runaways are vulnerable and often become the victims of crime.

Later, she says, many become the perpetrators of crimes. “They steal because they’re hungry. And they’ll do anything for a hot shower or a warm place to sleep.”

Prostitution lures some, supplying a regular paycheck and a false sense of love. Drugs hook others, providing a temporary escape from reality and numbing their pain.

Experts say that preventing these scenarios requires parents to recognize that running away is a symptom of bigger issues.

“Until you find out what those are, you’re putting Band-Aids on the problem,” says Eric Fenner, deputy director of Franklin County Children Services.

I wondered if Shawna had ever considered some of the seedy acts that Blaha talked about. The night before I was supposed to meet her, I couldn’t sleep. Who’s to say she wouldn’t try to manipulate me as she did when she asked me for money? Maybe she’ll want a ride home. Then what will I do?

The next morning, at 8:45, I sipped a large cup of coffee in a booth in the back of McDonald’s. Black-and-white posters of smiling children hung on the walls.

At 8:55 a.m., I called the number where Shawna was staying. A man answered. He told me that the girl was gone.

“She left this morning with an attitude,” he said.

“What did she have on?” I asked.

“A pink top and a blue-jean skirt,” he said.

I scanned the restaurant for Shawna, but there was no sign of her. Looking around, I imagined the kind of people she might meet on the streets. I thought how difficult it must be for parents and friends to locate runaways once they were gone, how worrisome thoughts must consume those who really do care about them.

Experts say that if a child runs away it often presents an opportunity for the family to heal. Here are some better ideas — tips experts say can help people communicate with teenagers to perhaps prevent them from leaving: 

• Pay attention. Listen when your children are talking with you. Use eye contact and ask for clarification if needed. Don’t just pretend to listen while you’re watching the TV, reading the newspaper or working on the computer. Kids know the difference.
• Give respect. Acknowledge and support your child’s struggle to grow to maturity.
• Understand your child. Try to sympathize with what your kids are going through. Look at life — at least occasionally — from their point of view. Remember that when you were their age, your ideas seemed to make sense to you. “Try to be understanding of your teen’s discomforts,” McElhaney says. “Say things like, ‘It must be difficult or I understand you must be feeling really anxious.’ ”
• Communicate positive messages. Parents could write an e-mail, send a text message or even put a note on their child’s pillow that reads: “Hoping you’re having a good day.” “They might not want to talk but it doesn’t mean they don’t want communication,” Pajer says. “Don’t expect answers. You may not ever get a two-way communication until they’re 25.”
• Don’t lecture. Everyone hates to be lectured, especially teenagers. We all respond more favorably to clear information and direction when we know that the questions we ask will be answered and respected. “Phrasing sentences in the neutral or third person is often very helpful to parents,” Pajer says.
• Eat together. Regularly gathering for meals is one way to create a positive atmosphere that promotes communication. Clear the kitchen table of bills, paperwork or other junk first. “Eating together regularly at the dinner table should be one of the highest priorities for a family,” says Rev. Jay Moyers, the assistant director of spiritual life and development at the United Methodist Children’s Home in Worthington.
• Model the behavior you want from your teenager. Pajer says parents sometimes unintentionally demonstrate running away as a solution to problems. For example, she says, “Mom and Dad have a big fight. Mom or Dad is so upset, they leave the house for a few hours. The child internalizes this behavior.”
• Don’t second guess yourself on discipline. If you feel that you are being too harsh, Pajer says, consult an outsider such as a pediatrician, therapist or books. “The kid’s job is to undermine you and push back and see where the limits are,” Pajer says. “Discipline in a loving, nonangry but firm way.”

 

I wondered how many of these benefits Shawna experienced while growing up. What led her to run away? Once she made that choice, how did she expect to survive? What did she think would happen if she returned home?

Does she feel safe now?

I never got the chance to ask her.

After more than an hour of waiting, with the remnants of my coffee having long turned cold, I tried calling Shawna one last time. The man who had answered earlier again picked up the phone.

“She isn’t here,” he said. “And I don’t think she’ll be back anymore.”

Wendy Pramik is a special sections writer at The Columbus Dispatch.