Supporting Parents: Normal Adolescent Rebellion or Something More Serious

Working through the challenges of raising a teen

Kelly’s first question when she called the National Runaway Switchboard was, “Is this a hotline just for kids?”

Lisa, one of the “liners” reassured her that the NRS answers calls from anyone concerned about kids, parents, and families. Kelly was relieved and told Lisa how hard it had been for her to find someone to talk to about her son, Doug. She and Doug had always been close, but now it’s like they’re strangers. Kelly said she realized that at 16, it might not be cool to go to movies with your mom anymore, but she couldn’t find anything that Doug was interested in doing with her or their family. Doug’s conversations with her seemed limited to “Fine, whatever, I don’t care.” Kelly would chalk it up to normal teen-age rebellion but there were other things going on that kind of scared her. Lisa asked her for examples of the “other things.” Kelly described recent episodes of Doug breaking curfew, leaving in the middle of the night after she had gone to bed, and once he came home drunk.

Kelly scolded Doug about his behavior and tried to ground him, but Doug said he was too old for her rules and refused to follow the rules or the punishment for breaking them. Kelly didn’t know what to do. She felt frustrated and confused.

Lisa asked Kelly what she wanted to tell Doug. Kelly quickly told Lisa that she wanted Doug to know that she loved him and missed spending time with him, but that his behavior was unacceptable in her house. “Things are going to have to change around her,” Kelly said. Lisa agreed that changes were important since neither Kelly nor Doug seemed happy with their situation at home right now. Lisa and Kelly discussed the changes she would like to see happen.

The changes involved Kelly and Doug both making some compromises. Lisa told Kelly that not coming home drunk and not sneaking out of the house were completely reasonable rules in the house. Kelly said she would be willing to negotiate other rules like a later curfew but only if Doug earned the right for more privileges. Kelly decided it was time to confront Doug about his behavior and try to have a real talk with him for the first time in a long time

“Telling you all this is easy,” Kelly said. “Telling this to Doug is a different story.” Lisa helped Kelly by walking her through the process of talking to Doug. First, Lisa and Kelly made a list of what Kelly and Doug needed to talk about. Lisa encouraged Kelly to be specific and realistic. Kelly decided she would talk to Doug that night after dinner. If Doug wasn’t receptive to talking, Kelly would have her brother or her mom talk to Doug. Lisa also gave Kelly referrals for counseling services in her area.

Kelly was nervous to talk with Doug, but she felt good about her plan. Lisa empathized with Kelly about how difficult the process was. Lisa thanked her for calling the hotline and let Kelly know she could callback any time.