Thank you for skimming over my application file for which I’ve spent a lot of time, effort, and in many cases, money. I have finished reviewing all…

Thank you for skimming over my application file for which I’ve spent a lot of time, effort, and in many cases, money. I have finished reviewing all the cheaply-sent rejection letters you have all sent me in which you all seem to have used the same template. I regret to tell you that your letters are not in any remote sense consoling and have been haphazardly burned/thrown out/shredded fiercely for the sake of my mental health.   This was not a difficult letter for me to write, because I know that at most I am just another statistic to you and that my application file for which I spent 124 hours on is now languishing among the other 13,499 applications you threw in the circular file (trash). I faced many difficult choices in deciding which of your ridiculous—excuse me, “eccentric” and “off-beat”—essay question(s) to respond to and pored over all 10 of my essays in the hopes of impressing you, and I regret that I could not sway you enough with my words, “admirable” credentials at school and extracurriculars, nor impress upon you how much this actually meant to me.   I know it is never easy for you to send these rejection letters because in your admissions committees’ subconscious you know that of the 13,500 or so people you rejected there are probably quite a few of those poor souls who you will in the future regret to have ultimately rejected from your list of notable alumni because they will probably bitterly satirize you in some way or form. The Rejected Student appreciates the compliment of the facade that you were interested in me as a student and offers its best wishes for a successful and memorable year of missing out on my brilliance.   Expect an angry letter to arrive in your mailbox.   Sincerely,  untitled3 A. Sauer Graype aka Allyson Head Student of Underachieving Affairs

 

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